shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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