I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
