I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
