I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
