it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
