Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
