Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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