She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
