You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I AM VODKA MAN
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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