Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
The convent might be a nice break from real life
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
