i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
