What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
