my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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