I want to have your abortion
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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