Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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