Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
