So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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