I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
i think i just lost a toe
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
