The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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