He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
