Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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