i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
