hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
