Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
