and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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