oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
