So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You smell like stripper and shame
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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