Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
