recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
