so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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