happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
