oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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