apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
