She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
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