There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
