I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
