yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
