Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Randomize
