It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
