plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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