Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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