i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
