He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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