Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
