We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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