I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
