Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
