Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
