I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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