I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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